When a Lick Isn’t a Kiss: Affection, Appeasement, and the Subtle Body Language of Dogs
By: Megan Thrasher
There’s a myth that still runs deep in the way we interpret dogs: that every lick is a sign of love. A kiss. A sweet gesture. That if your dog is licking you, it must mean they adore you.
But that’s not always true.
In fact, more often than not—at least in my experience as a trainer and someone who reads body language for a living—licking isn’t affectionate at all. It’s communication. And not the cozy, heartwarming kind most people assume.
Sometimes it’s a “kiss to dismiss.” A pacifying gesture. An attempt to create space. A dog’s way of saying, “I’m uncomfortable. Please stop.”
Licking as Communication, Not Affection
Dogs use their mouths the way we use our hands and tone of voice. Licking can be:
An appeasement signal: “I mean no harm.”
A displacement behavior: a way to cope with stress or uncertainty.
A default pacifier: especially in dogs who were never taught to advocate for themselves more directly.
A sensory habit: especially in over-handled puppies or dogs with a history of reinforcement for licking.
And yes, sometimes—sometimes—it is affection.
But it takes reading the rest of the dog to know what that lick really means. Their ears. Their eyes. Their posture. Their breath. Their tail. The context. Their history.
My Personal Opinion on Licking
The truth?
I don’t like licking 9 times out of 10.
Not because it’s gross (though, let’s be honest, sometimes it is), but because I can feel the energy behind it. I can feel when it’s not rooted in joy or connection but in nervousness, insecurity, or uncertainty.
To me, it feels intrusive. Like someone smiling at me when they’re secretly uncomfortable. It’s off. And it’s not fair to the dog to interpret that as affection when it’s likely a request for space or clarity.
So I don’t allow it—not because I’m cold, but because I’m listening. Because I know there are so many more grounded, reciprocal ways to connect with a dog than tolerating compulsive licking under the label of “love.”
The “Kiss to Dismiss” Explained
The term “kiss to dismiss” describes a dog licking you (or another dog) in an attempt to end the interaction. It’s typically quick, paired with turning their head or body away, moving back, or even freezing. You’ll often see it in puppies who are being hugged or crowded by a child, or in older dogs when a younger dog invades their space.
It’s subtle, and unless you’re watching closely, it’s easy to miss. Many people unknowingly push past this boundary—thinking the dog is being sweet—when the dog is actually saying, “Please. Enough.”
And what happens when we repeatedly ignore that soft boundary? The dog escalates. Licking doesn’t work, so they may growl, freeze harder, or finally snap.
What I Look for Instead
Connection with a dog isn’t about licking.
It’s about energy. Consent. Mutual clarity.
I look for a soft, loose body. A tail that’s low and wagging gently, not rigid or tucked. I look for a dog who leans in, who chooses to stay near without licking constantly, who rests near me instead of trying to earn safety through movement or appeasement.
Those moments mean more to me than any slobbery face-lick ever could.
You Don’t Have to Like It, Either
If you have a dog who licks a lot and it makes you uncomfortable, that doesn’t make you mean. You’re allowed to set boundaries with your dog—lovingly, clearly, and consistently.
Redirect their energy into something more grounded: a chew, a structured walk, a place command, a decompression session outside. Teach them other ways to connect.
Because when we stop assuming, and start observing, we create room for real understanding. And that’s love.